Why I developed this dating program
I’ve been single for four years and during that time I’ve had to relearn how to date in today’s (Sydney) society. This has meant learning ‘the apps’ and the hectic world of swiping, which is wild as the last time I dated was before iPhones were invented. It’s been an adventure of trial and error, refining my profile, becoming a more discerning swiper, and developing a process for dating that I’ve refined over hundreds of hours of date time.
During this time I’ve collected many data points, memories and stories, but the most valuable lessons have been the insights I’ve gained about myself. Through self-reflection, talking it out with very supportive friends (mostly coupled with babies and very willing to listen!), and doing the work in my own therapy, I’ve spent time exploring my self-beliefs, values, what I want, what I have capacity for, my desires and pleasures of the mind, body and soul.
In the process of learning and growing I’ve also practised new boundaries, new ways of doing and Being, and repeated old unhelpful patterns until I don’t or they’re still a work in progress. With a curious and open mind, and learning to cultivate self-compassion and gentleness, through meeting and spending time with different people I’ve noticed aspects of myself I hadn’t seen before. A self-reflective process has also been helpful in exploring my reactions to certain behaviours or qualities and these reactions tell me about myself, even more than the other person.
Through the years of dating, I’ve learned the following:
Date yourself to know what you want, what you like, and how you want to feel when you’re dating others.
Chat to get a sense of the person but make a plan to meet asap to see if it’s worth spending time chatting to avoid the endless texting, or those who get their jollies from chatting without ever intending to meet (*eye roll).
Frame the first meet as a meet, not a date, to take the pressure off, and have a start and finish time. Also keeping it casual like a walk and coffee in the park so you don’t have to sit at a table and stare at their face for an hour.
If I’m not feeling it I’ll tell them gently and respectfully at the end of the meet so we both know what’s happening and can move on.
Be clear about what I want and what I have capacity for, and communicate it honestly and openly at the start so the other person has the information they need to decide if they’re also on the same page, or not.
When you get the date stage, do something you’d want to do anyway so even if you’re not into your date, at least you’re spending time doing something you want to be doing.
Be honest with the other person if feelings change as soon as possible/appropriate when feelings change. It’s cruel and unfair to keep someone in the dark, or suspended in the ambivalence of not knowing where they stand.
Healthy boundaries are everything! Boundaries with yourself. Boundaries with others. Boundaries keep you and the other safe. Keep them strong, even if it means you can’t have everything you desire!
Doing the respectful, ‘right’ and kind thing doesn’t always feel good at first.
Being honest with yourself - brutally and deeply honest with yourself - will keep you aligned with what you truly want.
Sharing some of these insights with others who are also dating has been helpful for their dating experiences. I’ve also learned from other people’s experiences and considered these variables in the development of this dating program. The process this program follows is based on a collaboration of therapeutic knowledge and lived experience wisdom (mine and others) for more conscious and intentional dating.
I’ve had some interesting dates but none have been really gross or terrible. Sure, some have been less than ideal at surface level but these never get to a depth where any damage is done! The experiences that have been a little awkward or icky are an opportunity to reflect and practice boundaries and honesty in the moment. This includes resisting the temptation to soften the rejection or make empty suggestions like “maybe we can be friends”. Let’s be clear - if you’re dating for romance an intimacy, you’re not dating to make friends. So be clear and honest about this even if it feels a little uncomfortable or scary to say out loud. Trust that the other person will be able to handle it!
Through the process of dating others I’ve also spent a lot of time dating myself. Taking myself on walks, to cafes, to places and spaces I’ve never been before, doing things I enjoy more often and taking time to just Be with myself. Doing the work to better understand myself over the last four years has been the most valuable process through the Rebuild* post-break-up. Right now, I know where my boundaries are, what I like and don’t like, what I’m willing to accept, or not, and that I’m allowed to change my mind about any of these at any time, as long as I communicate this when necessary.
I have created a life I feel content with and at times even love so much that solitude is my priority. Time spent alone with myself intentionally and consciously is one of my well-being non-negotiables (read more about taking care of Self here).
When I bring this energy to meeting new people - new dates and potential dates - it helps with decision-making that feels good and aligned with my intuitive gut feel. And when I listen to my body and honour my needs, things are generally pretty damn good.
The Conscious + Intentional Dating Program I’ve developed is designed to help people understand Self first and foremost so experiences come from an honest place for better quality dating encounters no matter the outcome. It also helps establish healthy sense-of-Self foundations to take into a relationship if that’s one of the goals for dating.
For more posts about dating:
*More about The Rebuild coming soon…
